No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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