in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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