When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
