i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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