Kiss
Puke
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My life is pants optional.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize