Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
