so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
