I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
