I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize