Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
