I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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