drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
