was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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