No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
