This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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