ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
