Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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