i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
