I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
