he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize