What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so let's talk penis.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
