a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
