It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
