fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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