hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
