why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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