My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize