Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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