If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
