two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
