just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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