I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
