Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I love you.
Bad choice
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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