2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
