hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
