I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
whose parrot is this?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
