We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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