My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
