I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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