Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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