he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
