I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
