Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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