I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
