I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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