She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
