We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
