I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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