Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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