I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize