Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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