he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
