The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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