You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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