You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my being single is dangerous.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
