My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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