whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
