I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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