I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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