Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize