who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
