Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
