i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
