i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
